My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.