If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
These are my roll models.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Harsh but fair
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.