Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
titanic
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting