Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You Might Also Like
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
this article brought to you by lions
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes