I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie