[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time