If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Yup
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.