I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course