I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
me, after any kind of buffet.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?