People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.