if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
You Might Also Like
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
😩😩😩
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR