Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.