Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.