BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition