Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!