Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call