I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Autocarrot sucks!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]