Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever