Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.