why would tinder want me to say this
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
You look like you would fail a DNA test
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
my favorite genre of twitter
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”