My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.