Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Jail
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!