We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Yes, but it was never about money
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky