him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
😂😂
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.