‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?