[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
You Might Also Like
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Thursday
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”