You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*updates tinder bio*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.