Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!