Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
#SaturdayBears
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.