compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
pls suprot
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.