[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?