Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I hope this email finds you in a well
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
operators are standing by to ignore your call
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION