Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.