My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Yes
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
found this cool rock hiking today
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!