Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Only a mother’s love …
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*