Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.