How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa