Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.