I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks