we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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me 2 months after i graduated
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Still cracks me up
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.