Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.