I’m giving up ice.
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I am patiently waiting for your email
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.