Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Guy who likes music
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.