Yaba daba do not resuscitate
You Might Also Like
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Hank is one in a melon.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life