My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?