why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Has there ever been a more American story?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.