I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“and how does that make you feel?”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.