Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You Might Also Like
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills