I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
You Might Also Like
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief