“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Are you ok, human???